MY BEEF WITH GRIEF

I have lost (sometimes with extended process, sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes in between) children, mother, father, brother and friends to the universal process of death and dying. My experience has been the confusing, multifaceted and individual but natural process of grief. I have not been exempt from the associated emotions of grief and have benefited from the empathy and heartfelt sympathy of those who I go on living with. That said, I have a view for consideration of grief to present as a question.

By way of background story, I sat with my dying but lucid mom and DID say “goodbye” and “you’re free to go” at the culmination of days of talking with her … and then walked through the sense of grief (and a life of regrets) along with associated sideways emotions that are a tangled ball of yarn of processing. Saying goodbye and preparation did not, for me, mitigate my sense of loss and sadness.

The contrast, for me, would be the surprise call from an EMT that my son had unexpectedly died — and, for me, I have found no difference in the feelings, especially regret, that accompany the death of someone close. I have people in my life alive now for which I have regrets and have sat and talked with them about my wrongs, now, in this life … and regret still pops up like a catcall.

By way of the human process to find patterns and resolution I’m convinced (at least convinced most of the time) of the theory that we are individuated consciousness — part of a higher consciousness and that no one “goes away” at death. Various religious and spiritual beliefs (which we all have, including atheism, denial, western science and devotion to secular materialism … all of these are in some way belief systems) and offer different interpretations of death. Few are the beliefs or theoretical systems that would seek to repress or deny grief as a normal human emotional response.

There is a fairly well known idea explicitly expounded by some (including myself) that is effectively categorized as “simulation theory based on the assumption that there is consciousness. Least one be offended by this I would submit that the religious and spiritual beliefs I’m familiar with are forms of simulation theory (Sun God, earth created in 6 days, supreme beings bringing about creation, etc.) and only the devout unquestioned adherents to pure materialism (despite current conundrums of quantum physics) take the position that life and this cosmos is unquestionably just and only material base reality. To the later group I submit “why have grief at all”, why not work to outgrow such reaction as part of higher order cognition?

My own conviction is that physicist Thomas Campbell’s “My Big Toe” (Theory of Everything) is one choice for a reasonably logical theory (Campbell’s theory has more skepticism, finesse, latitude and subtlety than to suggest our experience of life is a big video game or that one religion is the certain and comprehensive explanation of life and meaning and a neatly packaged certitude of ultimate arrived “truth”.)

So what is the question, what is the point of this Medium article? Why the title “My Beef With Grief”?

I wish to humbly submit that grief and associated regret and much of the extended grief process might possibly be self-ego manipulation concocted to distract us (past regrets, fear, depression, anger, despair, confusion, etc.) from the useful goal of seeing everything as a continuum and working and applying energy on the important task of growing up now, today — and becoming more kind and loving … and in so doing reduce “regrets” going forward. I am aware this may sound like a callus harsh thud and I certainly would not propose it to someone going through the immediate natural grief process. However, for those who are on the extended liminal fridges of grief (and we all are or will be) I simply put it out there as a theoretical possibility. What if past “regret” or sadness is sometimes an ego strategy for handicapping us from applying energy to growing in love and thereby reducing future episodes for which we will later have regret? What if this is a continuum and there is not death as a finality and the best way to address grief is the admonition that what those who have died would most want us to do is get on with life — especially in regards to kindness, care for others, love and buoyancy of enthusiasm of possibility?

That’s my beef with grief, we feed it into a thief (rhyme intended).