I did sit with my dying but lucid mom and DID say “goodbye” and “you’re free to go” at the culmination of days of talking with her and … the sense of regret, and grief along with associated sideways emotions that are a tangled ball of yarn of processing, was not mitigated for me.
The contrast, for me, would be the surprise call from an EMT that my son had unexpectedly died — I have found no difference in the feelings, especially regret, that accompany the death of someone close. I have people in my life alive now for which I have regrets and have sat and talked with them about my wrongs, now, in this life … and regret pops up like a catcall (no pun intended).
I’m convinced (at least convinced most of the time) of the theory that we are individuated consciousness part of a higher consciousness and no one “goes away” at death. Separate from many religious and spiritual beliefs (which we all have, atheism, denial, western science and devotion to secular materialism … are belief systems) … this theory is expounded by many (it is simulation theory based on the assumption that there is consciousness) including physicist Thomas Campbell’s “My Big Toe” (Theory of Everything).
Why write this response to this article for which I applaud and agree with? My theory is that regret and much of the extended grief process might possibly be self-ego manipulation intended to distract us (past regrets, fear, depression, anger, despair, confusion, etc.) from the useful goal of seeing everything as a continuum and working and applying energy on the important task of growing up now, today — and becoming more kind and loving … and in so doing reduce “regrets” going forward. I realize this sound like a callus harsh thud and I certainly would not say it someone going through the natural grief process. For those who are on the liminal fridges of grief (and we all are or will be) I simply put it out there as a theoretical possibility. What if past “regret” is a ego strategy for handicapping us from applying energy to growing in love and thereby reducing future episodes for which we will later have regret?
