I am sorry for the heartbreak and disappointment you have walked through and vicariously joy with you in finding essence, purity, solitude.

There is an illusion I wrestle with, the illusion of some cultivating event, a satisfaction of conclusion — a mirage of all the broken parts being fixed, all the “only ifs” being solved. I have on occasion sat with individuals that shared with me they were only and altogether “happy, joyous and free”. In exploring this declaration with such individuals I found through dialogue that invariably “happy, joyous and free” was a cognitive behavioral modification that substituted stupefied petrification as symptomatic relief from the vicissitudes of living actual life. The search for living my own life, the search for meaning has brought me, most days, most of the time, to the acceptance of unfinished business, uncertainty and struggle.

What I give my attention to is what I feed. If I can find in solitude my breath, my center — that room is the truly simplified and uncluttered from the superfluous. In gratitude and directing attention to others there is the restorative energy of joining in the journey. So many of my dreams feel at times to be irretrievably marred and besmirched; if I can but begin again my experience has been my time in the barrel is turned from disappointment and disillusionment into another step forward in uncovering the layers toward some ultimate purpose yet unknown to me.